Church Announces: "Sarah Palin Week"

Freehold, Iowa - Freehold, Iowa - "I do hereby declare the last week of October, Sarah Palin Week," Pastor Deacon Fred told church members on Sunday morning. "There will be prayer meetings, special events, chaste flirting, educational sessions, luncheons, invitation dinners, sermons, classes for children and services dedicated to all things Sarah Palin," he continued. "Please be sure to pick up several copies of the $58 Sarah Palin Week Souvenir Brochure in the main lobby after services today. We expect 100% participation from every member of this church. If you're not slung up in a hospital somewhere, pooping your Jell-O out into a Tupperware commode like poor John McCain last week, you had better show your face as we honor this lovely woman. But let's make something clear: We are venerating Sister Sarah, not worshipping her. I'm not entirely sure what that distinction is, but you hear it from those lying Cath-a-holics all the time. The thing is, unlike them, we mean it. And also note that in order to maintain our tax-exempt status, this special Christian week to honor a person we love and care about very deeply should in no way sway your decision in regard to what party or which person you will be voting for this upcoming election. Friends, there are plenty of unspoken incentives already in place to protect you from pulling a leaver in a voting booth this November in such a way that it becomes a slip-latch to the gates of Hell! Oh Glory!